Changes...

Back in May, I was planning for a summer full of lots of grungy fieldwork for my research, a little teaching, lots of home organization, and some regular family time. Instead, on May 20, my Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer with metastasis to her brain (Stage 4 is the most advanced stage).

Andrew got the call at home from Mom, and he called me home from the university to give me the news. It felt like the ground had disappeared from beneath me. I knew immediately that I had to go to Kentucky to be with Mom. Madison still had a couple of days left of school before summer break, but Andrew could handle that and go represent us at her elementary graduation.

Mom was admitted into the hospital right away because they thought that she had a blood clot in her heart. She spent her 59th and last birthday in the hospital. It turned out that the tumor in her chest was pushing against her heart, causing an indentation, not a blood clot.

Next, the doctors tried to get a diagnosis about the type of cancer that she had. Initially, it looked like she had non-small cell cancer, a less aggressive form. Additional testing showed that it was, in fact, small cell lung cancer. Mom always pointed out that, even though it was the more aggressive form, it was the type most responsive to treatment.

From the outset, Mom was determined that she was going to beat her disease. Even when we looked up the statistics on some government website, she still maintained that everything was going to be okay – one way or another. The stats said that 2% of people diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer are still living after 5 years, regardless of the variety. One in fifty; not good. But Mom never focused on that. No self-pity, only determination. If a positive attitude could have cured her, she’d still be alive.

She was released from the hospital and soon was undergoing radiation treatments to her brain. The doctors told her she wasn’t allowed to drive anymore due to concerns about her having a seizure from her brain tumors. So, I happily chauffeured her to her doctor appointments and radiation treatments, to shopping and out to eat. While she was doing radiation, she was still able to get out and about, and we had a lot of fun times.

Things got a lot harder when Mom started chemotherapy. She was seeing the lead physician at Louisville Oncology, who was very positive about being able to get Mom into a full remission after 4 months of chemo. She started treatments in Louisville on my birthday in July. But, as her strength was weakened by the chemo and the cancer, she started having treatments in Elizabethtown, under the supervision of another highly capable oncologist.

About that time, Mom started losing the strength to stand and then to walk. She started using a walker, but the chemo kept knocking back her stamina. In August, she had blood clots in legs that broke off to her lungs and heart, resulting in her being on total bed rest for a couple of weeks. After that, she couldn’t walk anymore; her muscles were too weak. We got a wheelchair for doctor appointments and a hospital bed for her living room and take-out instead of dine-in.

Madison spent most of the summer with her dad, step mom, and little brothers up in New Albany, while Andrew was suffering through being an abused executive chef down in Memphis. So, our family spent the summer spread out between three states: me in Kentucky, Madison in Indiana, and Andrew in Tennessee. We were able to get together for some special family times, including a week for all 3 of us in a cabin at Tishomingo State Park in Mississippi, as well as a trip to New Orleans for just Andrew and me for my birthday.

Summer ended, with Madison starting middle school in Memphis and Andrew doing the single parent act. They came up to visit some weekends, and I went down there other weekends.

In October, after radiation and 3 rounds of chemo, scans showed that Mom’s cancer was in partial remission. Her oncologist wanted her to take a break from chemo, and Mom wanted to take a trip.

With the doctor’s blessing, lots of planning, and 5 crazy people, Mom, Andrew, Madison, Aunt Bonnie, and I set out in a 30-foot RV to the Grand Canyon. This was a major item on her bucket list, and we were going to mark it off come hell or high water.

Mom almost died in New Mexico on the way to the Grand Canyon, due to the effect of the change in altitude and her respiratory disease. She went to an ER and got put on oxygen full-time. After that pit stop, she got to see the Grand Canyon and the American Wild West. She really enjoyed the trip, and no one that went will ever forget it. It was an honor to help my Mom fulfill one of her life’s dreams. It truly was the trip of a lifetime.

When we got back from the trip and had Thanksgiving at Grandma’s, Mom was ready to go into in-patient physical therapy rehab so she could get strong enough to “go shopping at TJ Maxx again.” She also really wanted to go walking on a beach again and pick up shells. She was very motivated and was making great gains. Then she got pneumonia. She got sent out of the rehab hospital to Hardin Memorial.

The doctors there started treating her pneumonia for a few days. Then they discovered the fluid on her heart. They decided she needed a surgery to drain the fluid. Then they decided that she couldn’t undergo the general anesthesia and changed the procedure. She made it through the surgery and recovery, but they put her in the ICU that night. I stayed with her until she woke up, ate a little dinner, and then was resting. About 2 hours after getting to Mom’s house, the ICU called to tell me she’d taken a turn for the worst.

I called Grandma, who called Aunt Bonnie. I called Carter, who was heading down with Rachel. I called Andrew, who jumped back on the road to head back to Kentucky.

Grandma and I rode together to the hospital, and Aunt Bonnie met us there. Brother Andrew came in. Carter and Rachel showed up after a bit. Mom was restless and seemed uncomfortable. They kept giving her morphine as needed, thank God. Her blood pressure was low. Then the cuff couldn’t read it anymore, and the nurse had to listen using a Doppler. Carter and Rachel and Brother Andrew left when things seemed settled down.

A little while after that, Mom’s heart rate started to become erratic. Her blood pressure was about 0/60. Eventually, her heart stopped. It was her wish that she not be resuscitated when God called her home. Her mother, her sister, and her daughter were by her side. It was 2:10 am, December 23, 2008.

It’s hard to remember exactly what happened after that. I called Carter and Andrew and Dad. I had to fill out papers and make plans to meet in the morning at the funeral home. I had to go home and try to rest.

Andrew made it back from Memphis in the early morning hours; I don’t know when but I was still awake. He was just what I needed. Unfortunately, he understood exactly what I was going through. He’s been so great, from the moment Mom was diagnosed to this very moment right now.

On Christmas Eve, Grandma, Aunt Bonnie, Andrew, and I met up at the funeral home to make plans for Mom’s arrangements. We would have the visitation on Friday the 26th and the funeral on Saturday morning. We had to pick out pallbearers, speakers, music, a casket and vault, and flowers from the florist.

At last, it was time for Andrew and me to head down to tell Madison the news at her Uncle John and Aunt Mandy’s house. That was one of the most difficult moments of this whole experience. She cried a little but took it as well as could be expected. I was proud of her.

We got Madison and headed up to Mom’s to try to have something like a Christmas experience. We got up Christmas morning and opened presents. It had its teary moments. Then we went over to Grandma’s house to open presents over there and to eat. More teary moments but mostly okay.

Next, we went to take Madison to her Dad’s, and then Andrew and I went over to Carter and Rachel’s house. We did our gift exchange with them, including some really tearful moments when I gave them Mom’s presents for their baby. After hanging out, Andrew and I went to pick up Dad from the airport.

It was a bigger comfort that I would have imagined to have Dad there. He was so supportive, and it was nice to have a sort of family nucleus again, for a little while.

That night, Andrew and I worked on the music list to play during the visitation, while I worked on gathering photographs to display during the visitation.

The visitation was tough because it was a long day. The funeral home did a great job of making Mom look peaceful. There were lots of people who came in all day and were so nice.

The next day was a little easier because it was shorter, but with many more tears. Andrew, Rachel, Carter, and I sat together up front. Madison wanted to sit with her Dad and family in the lobby during the service. At the graveside, she sat with me. Then we headed over to the church where the Methodist women had a very nice spread laid out for everyone.

The weather for the funeral was actually really nice for December. Mom would have approved of everything: the service, the music, the flowers.

After we were done with all that, we headed to Louisville to hang out and spend the night so as to be near the airport in the morning for Dad’s flight back to Virginia. Dad, Carter, Rachel, Andrew, Madison, and I all went out for pizza and beer and played pool and cool jukebox tunes. Then we headed back to Carter and Rachel’s place. We hung out for a while but went to bed pretty early.

The next morning, Carter and Rachel had to go to work, and Andrew, Madison, and I took Dad to the airport. Then we dropped Madison off at her Dad’s so she could spend New Year’s with them.

I had to meet with Mr. Whitlow, Mom’s estate attorney, the next day. I woke up that morning with a sore shoulder, but I figured it was something that would work itself out. The meeting with Mr. Whitlow was quite straightforward and brief. Basically, I needed to back for probate court on January 15 at 8:50am. Andrew and I went back to Mom’s after the meeting.

Once that was over, I was able to notice that I had a very real problem going on with my shoulder. My range of movement was nearly non-existent, and any normal movement caused me extreme pain. I decided that I should probably have it checked out and consented to let Andrew drive me over to the AcuteCare place in Elizabethtown.

After quite a wait, I was taken back to a room. The doctor came in and flopped my arm around, nearly causing me to fall to my knees. He decided to go ahead and x-ray it based on that observation. The x-ray showed a little “calcification” in the joint between my shoulder ball joint. This finding prompted the doctor to do a white blood count to see if I had some sort of infection or septic joint. My white count was a bit elevated, so they sent me over to the ER.

Next, we’re at the ER, getting triaged in and stuck in a room. My shoulder was still excruciating. The doctor came in and wanted to x-ray my shoulder. In the meantime, he ordered some morphine for my pain. I got my x-ray taken and, after about an hour, they came to check on me. The morphine hadn’t made any difference in my pain at all. I thought that’s all they had to give for pain, but it turned out that they had something stronger. The 5 mg of morphine didn’t do much, but the 1 mg shot of dilaudid eventually did the trick. My pain level was so intense, though, that it took nearly 2 hours for the medicine to give me some relief. After the ER doctor looked at my x-ray and blood work, he decided to do one more blood test to rule out an infection. This was negative, so I got discharged with a diagnosis of bursitis. After a few days of Advil and hydrocodone, my shoulder was all better.

Andrew and I had intended to go to Monteagle following our meeting with Mr. Whitlow. The shoulder setback meant that we didn’t leave until the next day. We got there in the late afternoon and had a lovely night celebrating bringing in the New Year for 2009. We spent a couple of days there for a little relaxing and spiritual healing. We went for a nice hike one day up around Foster Falls on a really foggy day and got some great pictures.

Then it was time to head back to Kentucky to get Miss Madison back from her Dad’s. She’d gotten strep throat and wasn’t able to start back to school on the first day back. We gathered up some of our stuff from Mom’s, including Bowtruckle (the kitten who appeared at Mom’s while I was a lonely caretaker in Kentucky), and headed back to Memphis.

I spent the next week in Memphis trying to get a handle on all that I have in front of me. I haven’t been too successful in that pursuit, really. But I’m trying. I found out that my plan of teaching during the spring semester wasn’t actually a tenable course of action. That was an emotional setback on a couple of levels. Now, both Andrew and I are unemployed without any real prospects in a really shitty economy. I also was looking forward to trying to resume my academic life. No can do, though, so no point dwelling on it. Something is sure to work out.

I came back up to Kentucky on Monday to finalize the paperwork to sell Bertha, my good ol’ Volvo stationwagon. I spent the night with Carter and Rachel that night since it was Rachel’s birthday. We laid low, getting some good food from Carter’s work and watching “Righteous Kill.”

I’ve been trying to work on things at Mom’s a little bit at a time. I’ve made calls, met with real estate folks, gotten more medical equipment picked up, worked on the thank you notes, revised my resume, set up a new bank account for Mom’s estate, and I don’t know what all else. Still, there’s SO much to do. If I think about the big picture, I get really freaked out. I have to keep thinking that, if I keep working on things bit by bit, I’ll eventually get everything done. It’s not too go-getter of me, but it’s the best I can muster.

My court appearance was painless. I was supposed to meet Mr. Whitlow at 8:50am, but I got there a little early and stopped in Mom’s office to say hello to the girls and Larry. It was nice to see everyone. They told me that they’d gotten a basket together of Mom’s things from her work area and for me to stop by and pick it up when I was done in court. That part was pretty teary, but I made it through. Judge Reed said some kind sympathetic things from the bench about Mom and my situation. Next thing, I had sworn to do my lawful duties, and I was officially the executrix of Mom’s estate.

Andrew and Madison came up to spend the weekend and help work on things around here. We’ve been making some slow progress. Tonight, Madison is spending the night with Elizabeth. I really should be cleaning the basement right now, instead of trying to clean out my headspace. It’ll all get done eventually, I guess.

Originally posted at www.myspace.com/wannabedutch on 01/18/09.